It’s Time for the United States to Stand Up to Our Overlords

Seems everywhere you look there’s a fight about some political something-or-other.

And something-or-other is about as clear as it usually seems to those who read the news to learn what’s happening in the world since the last time we checked the news to learn what’s happening in the world.

But so much news coverage is devoted to petty point-scoring with acolytes through bashing the other side, whoever that is at the moment.

The problem is that there are objective details to learn about the world, and all this political bickering doesn’t help anyone.

So I’ve decided to clarify some things about the United States’ position in the world vis-a-vis its relationship with one of our oldest adversaries.

The one that occupies the dark corners of our subconscious.

That monster we don’t dare discuss in public.

Canada.

**

You can recognize the bullying posture Canada has taken with the United States, and the rest of the world, in the behavior of its selfish and rude residents.

I personally experienced this from a Canuck. A friend from the north sent me, unsolicited, an email with a list of all the ways (twenty-six) Canada is superior to the United States.

I’m in my fifties, and after watching Canada wantonly throw around its weight on the global stage for decades, and being resentful that the meek and mild United States hasn’t gotten its due, I’d had enough.

Following is the Imperialist bully’s arguments for Canada (CAN) followed by my responses (USA).

CAN: Smarties (not sold in the USA). 

USA: Smarties? Really, we’re supposed to care about that?

CAN: Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp.

USA: Too many Cs. Can’t be trusted. And why would anyone want crisp coffee?                               

CAN: The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls. 

USA: Oh, is that why it is so much more popular than the American version?

CAN: Baseball is Canadian – 1st game, June 4, 1838 – Ingersoll, ON.  

USA: You might have “started” it, but we perfected it.

CAN: Lacrosse is Canadian

USA: See answer to the baseball issue

CAN: Basketball is Canadian

USA: See answer to the baseball issue

CAN: Apple pie is Canadian 

USA: See answer to the baseball issue

CAN: Hockey is Canadian 

USA: See answer to… never mind.

CAN: Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers.

USA: Not setting the bar that high. Mrs. Rogers beats up Mr. Rogers.

CAN: Tim Hortons beats Dunkin’ Donuts

USA: Cholesterol count in your ham-donut-meatwich doesn’t count as “beating.”

CAN: In the War of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington… We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied… Go figure.

USA: Yup, ruffians and hooligans, despite the air of civility, eh?

CAN: Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

USA: Okay, who cares about French Canadians? Even the rest of Canada ushered them into Quebec and hasn’t let them out since. All due respect.

CAN: We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER! (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars).

USA: Yeah, you’ve had some “odd” battles… while we led the way in the important ones.

CAN: Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

USA: What war wasn’t fought in bar in Canada? You people wouldn’t go outside to fight a war in your own country. It’s damn cold, eh? 

CAN: The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

USA: Says a lot about the Canadian legal system that someone who WASN’T involved in the war was arrested. “Hey, you do all that lootin’?” “Nope, been asleep for the past 16 hours.” “That’s what we needed to know. You’re under arrest, eh?”

CAN: A Canadian invented Standard Time.

USA: Oh, look, it’s a clock. Maybe we can make our clock match someone else’s clock. Let me call my cousin in Newfoundland.

CAN: The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s surface and is still around as the world’s oldest company.

USA: Earth killers. Why do you hate Mother Gaia so much?

CAN: The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

USA: The average abused pit bull in America HAS devoured a human in 3 minutes. AUTHOR’S NOTE: NOT TRUE AND PIT BULLS ARE AWESOME. THEIR PEOPLE ARE THE PROBLEM.

CAN: We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.

USA: You mean you eat the anus, too? Gross. Damn French Canadians again. All due respect.

CAN: We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone. Also short wave radios which save countless lives each year. 

USA: Stealing this stuff from Americans while we’re off fighting wars isn’t cool.

CAN: We have ALL frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

USA: I’m from Long Island and am with you on this one. Also see North Dakota, Montana and Alaska.

CAN: A Canadian invented Superman. 

USA: What, you mean like Dr. Franken Further “invented” Rocky for the Picture Show? Creepy.

CAN: We have coloured money. 

USA: Way to waste ink. Earth killers.    

CAN: Our beer advertisements kick ass. (Incidently… so does our beer).

USA: Don’t know about your advertisements, but I think the Europeans own us both on that front. As for your beer, just because something has a picture of a moose on it doesn’t make it tasty. “Here’s some malted Moosebutt Urine I just brewed.” “Mmmm. That is good, eh? The moose makes all the difference.” Also, just because a lot of Canadians drink it doesn’t make it good. See the Irish and Whiskey for parallel example.

CAN: BUT MOST IMPORTANT! The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands in with mitts on.

USA: Okay, this one IS important. CANADA ROCKS!!!

CAN: Oh yeah… And our elections only take one day!

USA: Wait, you have a political system up there?

**

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more dysfunction!