Airbnpee

I have mixed feelings about Airbnbs.

I prefer ’em when I’m on vacation. My wife and I stayed in a North Park rental when we visited San Diego in August, 2014 for job interviews. Our hosts lived in the main house and were friendly and helpful. We loved it.

But now there’s an Airbnb next door to me.

Listed to accommodate 10 people AND has a hot tub!

It’s been… challenging.

One long weekend we achieved a 4-day contact buzz from the house party next door. But at least the increased stupor helped us sleep through the all-nighters, lively as they were until 5am.

Literally days later a bachelorette party hired a male stripper to perform and collectively shrieked like they were alone on a ranch with Matthew McConaughey.

But then we had a problem New Year’s Eve. I was more than a little aggravated. We and our neighbors had already reached out to the homeowners multiple times about prior incidents.

So rather than be petulant, I decided to have fun.

Following is an email I wrote, verbatim with the exception of some grammatical corrections, to the Airbnb owners and our neighbors.

***

Hey everyone, 

For simplicity’s sake, I’ll refer to [AIR BNB NEXT DOOR] as “your” house. 

11:05pm, December 31, 2019  

I, my wife, and our cat just woke to the sound of a few congregated guys talking enthusiastically outside your front door. From their energy and language, I’d guess they were mid-20s. Yes, I’ll admit, I was already asleep.

It was (and is!) New Year’s Eve, so I didn’t think much of your guests making some noise as they headed out to celebrate… 

Until I heard an odd sound and opened my bathroom window to make sure and, yup, one of the guys was urinating. 

Copiously.

He had clearly been drinking and held it in too long. 

It sounded like he was all over your walkway and splashing on the side of your house. At least I hope it was your house. Because if not, then it was mine. And I’m not making nearly enough money on your rental to have your guests pee on my home. 

Our hero relieved himself while saying in a voice just shy of a shout, “I don’t drink for the taste I drink for the result!” It wasn’t a full-throated shout but it was definitely loud enough for an exclamation point!

One of your other guests, hearing my window open, realized that the structure 10 feet away was a house and houses are occupied by people! He said, “Hey, yo, there’s a house there.” 

To which our hero replied, “I don’t drink for the taste I drink for the result!”

Several others then piled loudly out of your house, with enthusiastic greetings for their friend. He made sure to respond with a hearty “I don’t drink for the taste I drink for the result!”

Your guests all piled into a huge rideshare in front of your house. Looked like maybe 7 guys. Must have been difficult for them to find a rental that accommodated their group size. Thank goodness they found yours or they might have had to void their bladders somewhere else. 

I was thinking of making the title “You’re in trouble. Urine trouble.” Clever, right?  

I’m hoping the “result” of our hero’s drinking is that he decides to show up around 3am at your personal residence to introduce himself. Seriously, you gotta hear this guy deliver his catch phrase. 

Humorous tone aside, everything I wrote actually happened. That should “satisfy the court”, so to speak, and clarify that this email is for the record. 

Hey, there are the fireworks! If the neighbors hadn’t woken me I might have slept through this… 

Happy New Year everyone!

***

Turns out the nice young men were the homeowners’ nephew and his friends, who apparently took advantage of our neighbors’ kindness. Lots more apologies from next door.

I still like the “trouble” pun.

Let’s hope none of us has to use it again any time soon.

**

Thanks for reading and stay tuned!!

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